Things I would never do…

Posted on

The slight pop and scrape of the cork,

the carmel colored elixir

tumbling over thin cubes of ice

I could jump

in to that glass tonight

never to ever return

never to ever return

This week was difficult but there were more victories than defeats. Work got better. Our new schedule is working. I managed to get in a yoga class. My biggest defeat? I forgot my dad’s birthday. It was Wednesday and I didn’t remember until this morning. I feel like the world’s worst daughter. It doesn’t matter that for years, he was the world’s worst father. Sigh. Around 2:30, after our second lockdown drill, I found myself fighting a terrible battle internally. I wanted to drink. I didn’t want one. I wanted all of them. For hours, there were two minds duking it out in my head. The voice of the sullen, desperate alcoholic begged for one more release. One more. One more. One more. Just one more! She argued we could sneak off to the liquor store instead of a to meeting. She reasoned we could likely get the boy on board. She begged and pleaded. She yelled and screamed. It was a nuclear level threat in my head. It came on without warning.

The sober me, the real me, the me I am just getting to know, my Phoenix-self, who rose from the ashes of my alcoholic bullshit,  told that other sad, pathetic me to stuff it over and over. 82 days. I am not giving in after 82 days.  My 100 day ring on the mantle in a wrapped box. The bright, loving eyes of my children, always watching. Learning from my choices. Trusting me to take care of all of us. I went to my meeting. I listened. Sometimes, I just need to shut the fuck up and listen. Hard lessons…

But, I made it. Tomorrow, I will call my dad.