I miss counted. I thought my 100 days ended on September 21 (a wonderful day) but I was wrong. It is October 1st. The crazy, unplanned but totally awesome thing about October 1st is that it is also my BIRTHDAY. Weird, right? Ah, universe, you have such a quirky sense of humor.
I counted out the days last night in sharpie on our kitchen calendar. My 6 year-old, being ever so observant, asked why there were numbers on the calendar. I have been honest (to an extent) with him about quitting drinking but I almost brushed off his question. Instead, I explained the 100 day challenge to him. He commented that we could resume drinking after the 100 days. I explained that we could not. He was a little incredulous, “You mean you are never going to buy beer again?”
“That’s right. Never again.” I replied
“But… you can drink on your birthday, right?”
“Nope. I can’t drink ever again.”
And with that he skipped off. With a few simple words, I made the ultimate promise. I am terrified yet, strangely fortified. I hope that someday my children can read this blog and understand the dangers of drinking. I hope they won’t be as pigheaded as their mom. I hope I can live up to my promise.
This is the ring I hope to buy for myself upon completion of my first 100 days of sobriety. The description on the catalog website says it all. Every arduous journey needs a talisman:
Amethyst, a translucent purple variety of quartz, is one of the most popular colored gems. The birthstone of February, it was once believed to prevent the wearer from getting drunk, and when engraved with the circle of the sun or moon, it was thought to prevent death from poison.
I am so in! I am 7 days sober today. This last week was one of the most difficult of my life but, as I hear my little children play outside, I know I am DONE, FINISHED, FIN! I also know it is going to be difficult perhaps, beyond what I can predict. My grandmother (who helped raise me) is very ill. Her decline lead me to make stupid bad alcohol choices. OK, let’s be real, it gave me an excuse to make MORE stupid bad alcohol choices. Alcoholism has been in the mail for the past fifteen years, but the events of the past year seem to have accelerated my timeline. My drinking timeline ended with my husband (he is quitting as well) and I splitting a box of wine (the really, big cheap kind- 5L) per night and drinking upwards of 3 12 packs of beer and 2-3 bottles of hard liquor on the weekends. My six year-old noticed that we were buying a box of wine per day and reasoned (bless his soul) that that much wine couldn’t be healthy.
I am a teacher so thankfully I have some time off from work to navigate this shift. I do not, however, have the luxury of time and space in the parenting realm, nor would I want it. I have to get and keep my shit together for my little ones. I have to get and keep my shit together for myself.
My dad has been a rock over the last week. I have hidden my drinking from him because he is a recovered alcoholic himself and I knew he would call me out. He is trying to push me toward AA, but their philosophy just isn’t a good fit for me. I know I need support. Thankfully, I have my dad, my husband (who needs his own support) and a dear friend who is 4 years sober but I don’t want to drain any of those sources dry. I have spent many nights (thank you booze brain induced insomnia) reading sobriety blogs. Blogging seems like it could provide the community I so crave. I started my blog last night. Maya June is my pseudonym. As a teacher, I never know who is trolling my internet presence and for what purpose, so I have chosen for now to remain safely hidden behind Maya June (it is what we would have named my son had he turned out to be a daughter) for the time being.
So here I am and here I go:
“I will not drink for 100 days. No matter what. I can cry, but I will not drink. I can go to bed or go home early. I might feel distressed … but I will not drink. Bad things might happen, but I will not drink. Incredibly shitty things may happen to someone around me, or my neighbor, or my friend’s friend’s grandmother. But there will be no booze. Funerals? Weddings? Amputation? I’m not drinking for 100 days no matter what happens … No matter what.” My last drink was June 23rd, 2013.
This blog is about my experiences in the world, both good and bad. It is about how I view things and my opinions. It's my thoughts on life, my reflections into my experiences. It is my way of processing my world around me and things that happen to me. Writing is my therapy. It's about life as I see it, take it or leave it.