I feel terribly guilty. I have been reading your wonderful blog posts and comments but I have been in the trenches and too exhausted to write anything meaningful here. I am adjusting to being back in my classroom and I am beginning to feel more human at the end of each day. Many wonderful, frightening and life affirming things have happened over the last two weeks. Below is a brief (though probably poorly written) overview:
1. I came out of the alcoholic “closet” in my department at school. When I told my beloved colleagues that I was in “recovery,” one of my favorite people was briefly confused and thought I had suffered a cancer scare. They were all very understanding and I feel really well supported.
2. A good friend, who is also a colleague and mentor, gave me some really straight up feedback on how I was perceived last year at work. I thought I was successfully hiding my increasing descent into hardcore alcoholism but mostly it just appeared I wasn’t as good at my job or as passionate about teaching as I had been. This made me incredibly sad for a little while, but I decided to look at it as an opportunity.
3. I reached and coasted past 60 days. My new AA buddies made a big deal at my Friday meeting. A really good friend made a cake and gave me a beautiful angel statue. I feel more at peace and healthier every single day. Things are so much better at 60 than they were at 30 days. I still have shitty moments and shitty days but overall, I feel better than I have in years.
4. My husband and I have had several really powerful and reflective talks about our collective and individual alcoholism. We are doing a good job (most days) of being powerful allies to one another.
5. I had some friends over for dinner. This seems small, but sober entertaining was a huge milestone for me and makes me feel infinitely more human.
6. I have realized that I am soooo much better at my job and better at balancing my job and family sober. The difference is truly staggering.
That is all I have for now. It is 10PM and I am actually tired (finally!!!). Night, night. 🙂