The post that darted this way and that

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I have had a lot of thoughts kicking around in the old head the past few days. This past weekend was significantly better than the last. I am calmer, more reflective and I seem to have lost the inclination that I could, at any moment, crawl directly out of my skin. Signs of progress, perhaps. 

Last night, before bed, I read half of Unwasted: My Lush Sobriety. I read before bed, like a normal person. I have been reading at night all summer (mostly because I can’t fucking sleep), but last night it really hit me: this new life I have. I feel like I am settling in. The edges aren’t quite as sharp. The sounds are not quite so brash and vulgar.

Now, not everything is magically wonderful. I still hate doing laundry and will put off paying bills until the cows come home. I am still loud and temperamental. I still yell at my kids too much. I still spend way to much time dicking around on my laptop. But many things are better. When I laugh, I actually feel it. It actually startles me sometimes, this strange rattle in my chest. It is a different laugh. Or perhaps, I just haven’t noticed it before. I feel better. I feel more whole? My daughter flipped on the lights this morning while I was attempting to wake up (thanks, baby) and she looked into my eyes and said, “Momma, your eyes! They’re beautiful!” She said this as if she had never seen eyes before, but I when I think about what my eyes looked like in the morning (cloudy, red, miserable) just a month and almost a half ago, I see where she might be coming from.

Here is what terrifies me of late: I have managed to construct a lovely little bubble around my sobriety because it is summer and I am a teacher. School. Starts. In. Two. And. One. Half. Fucking. Weeks. Shit! I am no where near prepared, lesson wise and I an feel shakily prepared emotionally and spiritually. The roller coaster routine of school and work and the stress of teaching are HUGE triggers for me. As I have written about in the past, I began to suck at aspects of my job near the end of my drinking and I am expected to kick it into high gear this year. I have a stack of books I was supposed to read over the summer to bolster my classroom management of which I have read about 3 pages total. It all feels very unforgiving. But people do this, right? They quit drinking and go right back to work. They succeed, right? People do this. All the time. What makes me so fucking special? I have been given a gift these past months and I sincerely hope I don’t fuck it all up. 

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11 thoughts on “The post that darted this way and that

    Debbie said:
    August 5, 2013 at 1:39 pm

    You can do this MJ. You’ve taken the bull by the horns already and dropped the son of a bitch to the ground. Focus on today. Make a list for TODAY. Don’t let it overwhelm you. You got this, girl.

      Maya June responded:
      August 5, 2013 at 3:25 pm

      I needed to hear that. Thanks!

    AuntieLex said:
    August 5, 2013 at 3:24 pm

    I believe in the bubble as well… But I also believe there is a way to incorporate “real life” with the bubble, and eventually it disappears and becomes reality.. I so relate to this and summer and healing ourselves and living and laughing… I soon have to face my realitys… You sound so strong and ready..

      Maya June responded:
      August 5, 2013 at 3:26 pm

      Good lord, I hope so! How are you doing?

    Lilly said:
    August 5, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    Ah, I so relate to those good feelings you describe and let me tell you a cool thing: They get better! I remember feelings the starts of them and lately I’ve hit a new lift of those feelings.

    I can completely understand being scared about school starting and the stress of your job. But you have to hold on tight to the fact that it is not drinking that will help you overcome your fears and get stronger and better and kick things up a gear. So when you find yourself thinking that wine would help relieve the stress of the job, know that wine is a huge part of what *created* the stress. I was afraid of stressful shit in early sobriety – hell, I still am. (I am freaked out about going to see my family later this year because they make me want to get blotto to deal with them.) But know that sobriety will make it better and best of all EASIER.

    You are doing so great. Just keep going.

      Maya June responded:
      August 5, 2013 at 3:36 pm

      Thanks, Lilly. That is a really good reminder… Always think through the drink…

    runningfromthebooze said:
    August 5, 2013 at 7:39 pm

    Hello fellow bubble dweller, Day 1 for me was a Monday and a work day. My bubble has been a protection of sorts. I’ve had thoughts of forcing myself beyond the bubble but I’m trusting my gut on letting it happen when it happens. You sound much better these days!

    themiracleisaroundthecorner said:
    August 7, 2013 at 6:40 am

    As a stay-at-home Mom, the end of your bubble is the beginning of mine (think Staples commercial in terms of how I feel about back to school). I had the end of a bubble about 6 weeks into recovery, and I. Was. Terrified. But I just remembered to do all the same things that had kept me sober for the first six weeks, and I got through it, and you will too! I can’t wait to read about it…

    laskogirl79 said:
    August 9, 2013 at 5:56 pm

    another great post, if i could just write as freely as this. great work.(and funny). : )

    mishedup said:
    August 10, 2013 at 7:11 pm

    Great post…I think you will be in great shape for school…almost 60 days and getting the hang of the sobriety thing. You understand HALT, which I think is one of the biggest things for me..so always have a snack with you. And just read the damn books! LOL…I am the WORST procrastinator in the world, but once I just give up and do it I always feel better. Also, a sponsor will help, a trusted person to talk to and run things by; getting started on step work..all of that will make everything in your life smoother.

    I love the laugh. I hadn’t really laughed in years until one day after a meeting I was dragged out to lunch with group of women (it was really hard for me to do this kind of thing at the beginning). As I sat at lunch one woman was telling a story and I heard , and felt, myself laughig so hard that tears were running down my cheeks..it felt like a miracle. AND…another woman at the lunch, who I had been maybe thinking about asking to sponsor me (I had a list of about 4 people, and I watched them like a hawk!), was laughing just as hard and had the best laugh…so that tipped the scales for me and I got a sponsor that day too, along with my laugh back.

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