Month: July 2013

Struggling… I hate Friday evenings

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I have felt much better, stronger, more good looking lately but the Friday evening witching hour is seriously fucking with me right now. I am holding on to my tools (blogging, knitting, seltzer, chocolate, podcasts) but this really fucking sucks. I feel like I have exhausted my friend talking privileges. When does this get better? Can someone just put me in a coma until it does? FUCK! 

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Brené Brown ROCKS!

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Brené Brown ROCKS!

One of you brilliant, beautiful, awesome bloggers mentioned reading Brené Brown in a post (darn if I can remember who, though) so I googled her. Her talks are seriously AMAZING. She studied vulnerability and shame extensively and has some revolutionary insights. I can’t wait until payday so I can check out a book or two. Enjoy!

Soberversary: The First NOT Drinking Game

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Play this right now! Also, follow this cat, he is way cool. 🙂
I love games!
My Date: June 24, 2013

My Event: 1314 – First War of Scottish Independence: the Battle of Bannockburn concludes with a decisive victory by Scottish forces led by Robert the Bruce, though England did not recognize Scottish independence until 1328 with the signing of the Treaty of Edinburgh-Northampton.

Symbolism: My favorite ancestors were Scottish. On June 24, I declared independence from the tyranny of alcohol. Hopefully, it won’t take England 14 years to recognize said independence.

Al K Hall-ic Anonymous

The other day in a meeting, someone shared how his last drink was the night of November the 10th, so his  soberversary fell on Armistice Day. He talked about how symbolic he found that, and i thought it was pretty damn symbolic as well.

Which got me thinking.

Drinkers play tons of games (and not all of them mental, lol), but it’s not because we non drinkers can’t have any booze that we can’t have any fun. So, i’ve created a Not Drinking Game called Soberversary.

The rules are simple, all you need to do is go to Wikipedia and search the date (without the year) you last had a drink. Look over the list of Events and find one you think sufficiently symbolizes the last day of your drinking life, and share it here!

i’ll start. i quit drinking on January 11, 2011. When i enter January 11…

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Playbook Wordle

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Playbook Wordle Screen Shot 2013-07-24 at 11.24.19 AM

I tried to insert it into my Playbook post, but it wouldn’t work. Grrr. Thus, the double post (sorry about that). My favorite thing about this Wordle: it says FUCK WOLFIE in the middle. Best. Wordle. Ever!

My Sobriety Playbook

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Ok, here it is. I reread the 12 Steps last night and I am just not a 12 Stepper. What it comes down to for me (and only for me) is that if I believe some other force outside of myself is in control, I will just say ‘fuck it. I can’t control this’ and tumble into a deep well of bourbon and tequila. Call it a lack of faith in outside influences and perhaps and overabundance of faith in myself. I think the steps are amazing tools for others and I respect the power and the role they have played in other’s recoveries, but they are not for me. Instead, I wrote my own steps. I was going to call them rules but I never, ever pay any attention to rules (except rules that if not followed might result in death or dismemberment) so I am calling this my playbook. This is a work in progress. Yes, some of them are close cousins to one another, but for the time being, each is important enough to stand alone. As the months go by, maybe I will combine, reorder, rewrite or add to the playbook.

(Holy shit! As I typed ‘months’ I just realized it is my sober one month anniversary. Woo-Whoo!)

My Sobriety Playbook

  1. Admit that you are addicted to alcohol and while you are not powerless, acknowledge your addiction is a formative foe not to be fucked with.
  2. Ask for what you need. Realize that your recovery is essential to your survival and needs to come first right now.
  3. Gather the troops. Surround yourself with supportive allies. Avoid less supportive influences.
  4. Be introspective and self aware. Write daily. Blog, journal, write poetry, lists, and or work on your novel.
  5. Reach out! Listen to and read other’s stories. Realize the wisdom and power in the journeys of others who have survived or are surviving with you.
  6. Be curious. You have been numb most of your adult life. There are many things you likely don’t know about yourself.
  7. Be kind to yourself! Exercise, eat well and enjoy life.
  8. Forgive yourself and others.
  9. Love.
  10.  Breathe. Unclench. Relax.
  11. Move!
  12. Recognize the voice of Wolfie. Recognize that her voice is crafty, powerful, deceptive and seductive. Wolfie wants you dead. Tell Wolfie to fuck off. Often.

The Bubble Hour Podcast

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Awesome podcast! Check it out! Also, check out their blog: http://www.thebubblehour.com

Apples and Oranges

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Image

My husband quit drinking on the same day I did. He makes it look terribly easy. He is getting seriously in shape. He sleeps like a damn baby. I am envious. Yesterday, he posted ‘quit drinking’ as a life event on Facebook. I was floored. I wasn’t mad, I was just amazed. Here, I have been agonizing about how to tell my friends and co-workers and he just posts it on Facebook. No big deal, right? Fuck! When I asked him about it this morning, he said simply, “I am not ashamed. It was just getting in the way.” 

Since his post yesterday, I have been thinking about how I might answer questions or discuss my choice to quit drinking with friends. In my mind, strangely, it always starts, “It was becoming a problem.” BULLSHIT. It WAS a problem. It had been a problem for a very long time. I might not have had to deal with legal repercussions or devastated relationships, but there are only so many times you can get away with driving terribly drunk or going to work terribly hungover before shit really falls apart. So where does this, “it was becoming a problem” come from? Am I hoping to sugar coat it for people who probably don’t want to hear the sordid details or am I ashamed? Maybe a little of both. I know there are friends who won’t want to talk about it because my ‘problem’ will reflect their ‘problem.’ But I think it is the feeling of failing somehow that really bothers me. Being an alcoholic means somewhere along the line, I lost control. I have a weakness. I can’t do what others can. I can’t have one or two. I can’t drink one or two nights. I am fucked up. This is the record that plays in my head. Alcoholic=fucked up failure. I know this is bullshit. I know I am doing the best possible thing for me and my family but sometimes it really sucks. 

I am lucky to have a solid core of folks who understand and are very supportive. I am lucky I have a supportive partner who is on the same path with me. Maybe I should just thank my lucky damn stars and go the fuck to sleep?

BTW- I posted ‘quit drinking’ as a life event, too. Bandaid-ripped off. Voila! I am out as sober person.