I am in a funk. I should be elated. I have 28 mother-fucking days, as of today. Cartwheels and confetti should be happening up in here, but alas- le funk has set in. Our vacation was… great… exhausting but great. The kids are at daycare today because if they were here I probably would have duct taped them to something out of earshot by now. The one incredibly positive thing I can take away from our vacation is that I feel stronger. I dealt with stress, children, heat and my bat-shit crazy dad without a drink (or 12). I did that. I survived. The less positive take away is that I have a lot of resentment and emotional shit, which I thought I put to bed long ago, to deal with. Yay.
My dad is a narcissist with a good heart. He is a paradox. He and my mother divorced when I was a month old. I didn’t meet him until I was 11, at which point, he basically hung around for a year, did as much damage as possible and then took off again. I was pissed at him for a long while. Perhaps I am still pissed. There have been periods of years where no words were spoken between us. When I was pregnant with my first kid, I severed all ties with him. I didn’t want him around my kids. I heard from an aunt last year that he had major health problems… I couldn’t remember why I was angry with him anymore so I reached out. Once he discovered that he had grandchildren, he really engaged and I began to see him in a different light. He has been in therapy for years. He has mellowed. He adores my babies and they adore him. Over the last year, we having been working on mending our fences. However, spending almost a week with him, freshly sober, in 106 degree heat, tested the patches. Some held, some didn’t… (thankfully my sobriety held)… Today, I find myself replaying conversations with him and, in my mind, screaming at him like an angry teenager. What the fuck? I am almost 40- far too old for this.
I need to go running, do yoga, punch something- but all I can do is sit here, listening to Aimee Mann while I play games and consider my daddy-issues. Maybe I just need to lighten up, eh?