Le Funk

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I am in a funk. I should be elated. I have 28 mother-fucking days, as of today. Cartwheels and confetti should be happening up in here, but alas- le funk has set in. Our vacation was… great… exhausting but great. The kids are at daycare today because if they were here I probably would have duct taped them to something out of earshot by now. The one incredibly positive thing I can take away from our vacation is that I feel stronger. I dealt with stress, children, heat and my bat-shit crazy dad without a drink (or 12). I did that. I survived. The less positive take away is that I have a lot of resentment and emotional shit, which I thought I put to bed long ago, to deal with. Yay.

My dad is a narcissist with a good heart. He is a paradox. He and my mother divorced when I was a month old. I didn’t meet him until I was 11, at which point, he basically hung around for a year, did as much damage as possible and then took off again. I was pissed at him for a long while. Perhaps I am still pissed. There have been periods of years where no words were spoken between us. When I was pregnant with my first kid, I severed all ties with him. I didn’t want him around my kids. I heard from an aunt last year that he had major health problems… I couldn’t remember why I was angry with him anymore so I reached out. Once he discovered that he had grandchildren, he really engaged and I began to see him in a different light. He has been in therapy for years. He has mellowed. He adores my babies and they adore him. Over the last year, we having been working on mending our fences. However, spending almost a week with him, freshly sober, in 106 degree heat, tested the patches. Some held, some didn’t… (thankfully my sobriety held)… Today, I find myself replaying conversations with him and, in my mind, screaming at him like an angry teenager. What the fuck? I am almost 40- far too old for this. 

I need to go running, do yoga, punch something- but all I can do is sit here, listening to Aimee Mann while I play games and consider my daddy-issues. Maybe I just need to lighten up, eh?

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7 thoughts on “Le Funk

    jamilynaz said:
    July 22, 2013 at 4:34 pm

    A good 4th step on your Dad might be helpful….it alwasy helps me to get it all on paper. Good job on 28 days!!!!

      Maya June responded:
      July 22, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      Thanks for the support!

    tric said:
    July 22, 2013 at 4:42 pm

    I adore my mum but within minutes of being back home it is like I never grew up. We don’t have such a dramatic history but we do have history. It is not easy to forget.

    AuntieLex said:
    July 22, 2013 at 7:40 pm

    28 is maj… And exhausting.. Good job?

    Lilly said:
    July 23, 2013 at 12:59 am

    I think you need to not beat yourself up is what I think 🙂 Dealing with fraught family relationships is hard at the best of times – it’s bound to feel extra fresh and raw when you’re newly sober and coping with all that and when you’ve been in heavy introspective mode as a result of being newly sober. So, cut yourself some slack. You got through the trip. You didn’t drink. You learned some new shit about you and your Dad. Sounds like progress to me. Time for some ice cream, brownies, fruit salad, bubble baths, mindless TV or whatever the hell your sober treat of choice is… Repeat after me: This too shall pass.

    xx

      Maya June responded:
      July 23, 2013 at 1:12 am

      Happy 81, Lilly! Thanks for your comment. I really needed to hear that. 🙂

    carrythemessage said:
    July 23, 2013 at 7:32 am

    I’m with Lilly there. It’s early in the game. Lots shifting and changing within and without. Be gentle with yourself. It’s a big thing for us what we do when we not only stop drinking but challenge our old ways and go on a different path. Thorns and rocks lay ahead. Wear comfie shoes and tread with purpose and yet gently.

    Blessings,
    Paul

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