Sober but very, very grouchy today. Just one stupid thing after another with children bouncing off the walls in the middle (they sense weakness). First, the pharmacy didn’t have my prescription filled that I called in yesterday. Out of refills. Totally my fault, but irritating nonetheless. Who really needs antidepressants anyhow? (I fucking do!) As a result, I snapped at my favorite pharmacist. Poor, dude. It wasn’t his fault. From there I have just been pissed at everything. I wanted to drink earlier, trying to justify that it would help me sleep, but got some coconut water and sugar cookies instead (which were stale- grrr). Then, I was mad at myself for letting things get out of hand with alcohol in the first place (why can’t I just drink like a ‘normal’ person?, etc) but then I reminded myself that I never really had anything in hand, when it came to drinking. I have been hiding my drinking in the shadows for years. I have been drinking heavily daily (save my pregnancies) since I was 23 or 24. My mom was sick and I was self destructive. Then my mom died and I went off the rails for awhile. I figured out how to be functional but I never figured out how to stop drinking way more than I should.
I did manage to go for a run today. An angry, bitter run, but a run nonetheless.
Tomorrow will be better. Thanks for reading- blogging is saving my ass right now.