I am working on my first sober night. I feel ok. I am battling depression, too. So, yay. My two-year old lizard brain is flipping the channel back and forth between pouting to raging. I want to be able to drink like a normal person. I want to believe that people can overcome addiction, that it is overblown, that it is made up by the rehab industry, but I know that is all bullshit. I am an alcoholic. An addict. My brain functions differently, and it sucks. I need to sort out why I need to get sober, so here is a preliminary list.
Sobriety will allow me to be a more present parent, wife and friend.
Sobriety will help ensure I will live to see my kids grow up.
Sobriety will allow me to be more truly and wholly happy.
Sobriety will help me deal with my significant depression.
Sobriety will free up time and money.
Sobriety will give me access to a fierce and fantastic group of sober men and women.
Welp, here I am again. I tried to moderate my drinking after almost 2 years of sobriety. It didn’t work. I almost died. Wish me luck on maintaining my sobriety this time around.
It’s been less than a week since I was released from the psychiatric ward of our local hospital. It feels like it was yesterday and at the same time a lifetime ago. I was admitted on 10/1 for a severe manic episode – voluntary admittance. Also 10/1 is my wife’s birthday. So I owe her for that one for the rest of our lives. I was pretty sick when I went in. So everyone keeps telling me. When your therapist says you were acting crazy/off/strange I guess check in time is coming soon. With the delusion of mania it’s really hard to impossible to judge how others are seeing you or how you are actually acting. Like the curtain has been drawn over your personality. I had no desire to go into the hospital, I was not going to go and that was that.
I started to mess with my…
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Dear Sparkly Sober Boots,
You make me smile. You replace my not-so-sober boots, which have been unceremoniously deep sixed. I promise you will never be an accessory to my late night drunk driving escapades. I promise you will be never be party to drunken stumbling around the yard or the neighborhood. Drunken, irrational tears will not dampen your exterior, nor will dribbles of wine, beer, bourbon, tequila or vodka. You will never have to tread across a filthy bar floor and I will never need to wipe you clean of drunken vomit. Instead, you will be worn, admired and cherished by this sober girl so in love with life that she felt the need to buy sequined boots to express her joy.
1. Hangover free mornings. I love being able to focus and be present for my family in the morning. Last year, I was late to work almost every single day. This year, I have been very slightly late (due to last minute kid drop-off logistics) twice. Boo-YAH!
2. Reading. I have a literature degree and am an English teacher so reading should be an intergral part of my life, right? Not so much. When I was drinking, I read only what was absolutely necessary, usually for work or school. I probably averaged a (recreational) book a year (maybe). Now I read voraciously like I did as a child. Sometimes, I even read alcoholically (shocking, right?) and I have to remind myself to go the fuck to bed. Since getting sober I have read around 15 books. I feel like I have a piece of my soul back.
3. Better skin. Did you know that if you wash your make-up off before bed that you don’t get giant crater zits on your chin?? Apparently, I did not know this. I would pass out nightly in my makeup. Now I wash my face EVERY night and even have a quirky little skincare regimen. My skin, though showing signs of my 38 years, looks better than it has in years. Now I need to work on flossing everyday.
4. Weight loss. I haven’t quite figured out the magic formula on this one but I have lost 10 pounds while doing absolutely nothing. So there is that. I will take it.
5. Liking (maybe even loving) myself. Holy shit! I had no clue that self-respect would be a bi-product of sobriety, but for me, it definitely is.
6. Real friendships. When your life revolves around drinking and recovering from hangovers, you tend to put meaningful relationships on the back burner. In recovery, I have repaired and strengthened existing friendships and developed new ties, as well.
7. More money. I am a walking, talking financial shit show but so much less so since cutting out about $300-$500 per month on booze.
8. Better mommy time. I thought I would be an amazing mom after I quit drinking. To my dismay, I did not turn into June Clever. I am definitely imperfect, as a mom but I am present and sober.
9. My time is my own. I was a slave to booze. It ruled my schedule. Now, if I want to stay home all day on a Sunday, I can do that. No need to plan my life around liquor store runs, drinking time and, lets not forget, the all consuming hangover recovery time.
10. Sharper senses. I swear, food tastes better, music sounds better and everything is more beautiful sober. Maybe I am just grateful to be alive.
Thanks for all of the well wishes and messages on my last post. I was eaten alive by my job this quarter but I do love posting. The process of writing and the feedback I receive from you all helps me SOOOOO MUCH. I am going to try to get back to it on the regular.
- A Full Measure of Sobriety (cindyfrances.com)
- What I Learned From Quitting Drinking (Again and again and again) (itstheheartswell.wordpress.com)
- Sober is the new black! (carrieonsober.wordpress.com)